I am always alone on most days. My family most of the time leaves me. They're constantly out. Sometimes I feel tired of wanting to live like this. I can't bare this. I hate having to cry. Crying just makes it even more tiring. Family is like HELL to me now. I gave them my all, and got back a hand full of crap. It's not just one day, its everyday.

I grew up without parents. I grew up without love, warmth and comfort from my family. When I have a house hold full of siblings and a dad, my life is down in the gutter. My father now, makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my iner organs want to turn inside out. I have a sister who give a damn only to herself and her boyfriend, she became a chain smoker, a alcoholic and gambler. I have another sister to runs off at night to sleep with her boyfriend (Shes pregnant). I have a mother who is a whore. I have a brother who is a chain drug abuser. My other four younger sisters haven't made it to the age of 10 yet.

I just hope they won't turn out like any one of them.
I cook for my family, I clean after them, and I take all the blames. I'm a college student, living a life of a mother. I don't even have children, let alone I don't even have a boyfriend. I am 22 years old. I blame myself, for not walking away a long time ago. I want to disappear.

But...If I leave this world,
What will happen?

If I was given a new life after this one now, wouldn't I just start all over. I hate myself.

Today I had a Final Exam.
(Sighs) I just finished taking it. It wasn't that difficult. The exam was based on history and today's politics. I took in total TWO HOURS to complete the exam. The amount of time given was THREE HOURS.

Very often I would feel overwhelm or under stress, but today I just have this heavy weight on my chest. It feels like there is something clogging up my lungs, and I have trouble breathing. I hope its nothing serious. I sold my books and got back $57.00 and I paid for book this semester in total of $269.00. What a waste of money.

Well I am down to one more FINAL. Then, I will be done this semester.

So clap you hands

It was said in life, that the purpose of living "was for your own happiness". But sadly, only in fairy tales or drama, that one can live in the manner. People stress just about everyday. People worry about bills, jobs, career, family, friends, school, or even Love. I don't want to worry too much about anything. We have one life, and no one knows when it'll end short. For those who fall in one of these categories underlined, try no to worry too much. Try to enjoy life and treasure every moment of it. Deeply breathe in and out hope and confident that your unclear road will lead you to a place full of miracles. Try not to over-think too much for others. I am asking you to be a little selfish and think about what makes you happy. But if seeing the people you love happy is your happiness, then I wish you a everlasting journey filled with smiles, laughters, and great memories.

Cherish every minutes and hours.
Keep them close you your heart.

Love

Happy birthday to me. I am now 22 years old. Nothing feels different. I rolled out of bed this morning and came to school. Now I going to walk to class

I'm so lost right now. I don't have any directions to go ahead in life. I have about a year and a semester left of school and then more school overseas. But at least School in Seoul, Korea would be fun and worth wild. Lately, I've been stressing at home with my sisters, sisters' boyfriend and dad of course. I've been slaving in the Kitchen, cooking non stop and cleaning non stop. No one cares or appreciates my efforts. I just want to pack up my things and leave on the next flight to SOUTH, KOREA. Sadly, my time has not come yet. I've been saving for my trip. sighs

What now?

Well the most crazy thing I've done to impress someone is cut my hair. I'm 5'2" and I had long black hair that laid straight down to my waist line. In just one hour it was all gone. I cut it short  just like Lee Min Ho below



Then, I've realize I can't do much with short hair. I colored my hair red/brown

And it did work :)
I impressed both Men and Women with my innocent, devious tom boyish looks :) wink wink

Well today is rather boring as usual. Nothing is out of place at all. there is a class in the library today. I'm just sitting here watching a new drama,"Mischievous Kiss."I like this better than the Taiwanese one. It is cold out and wet of course, since it rained. School has not changed even if I relocated. My family has not changed as well. They're still annoying and stressful as always. I can never breathe right when I'm with them 24/7. Well, I'm done with classes today. Tomorrow is Friday.

I had a pretty cool dream last night. Well, before that I was playing my guitar.
But anyways, I dreamed I was sitting in a beautiful meadow. Pretty flowers and tall grass. When I turned around, someone kissed my lips I seen his eyes before, but in a split second he disappeared.

I don't remember his face, only his eyes.
His eyes resembles Onew from SHINee. That's how much I remember.

My biggest mistake in life is saying "yes" too easily. Because of this word, many of my friends and family abuse my good deeds. They don't understand the pain and stress I go through. Sometimes, I'd wished for strong will and courage to say "no." I don't like to disappoint others, especially when I know them practically my whole life. I learn that it is necessary to say no sometimes if your heart does not agree. And it is best to follow your soul :)

Kaida

The concert in Los Angeles was awesome. SHINee, DBSK, Boa, F(X), Girls Generation, Trax, Super Junior, etc., was there. After the concert I visited Little Tokyo, Korea Town, Hollywood, and China Town. I ran into one of the SNSD girls at Ihop. I felt bad for her,she couldn't even eat. Fans swormed around her like bees. MINHO Oppah, so love him. I ran into Key giving autographs.

Can't wait until the next concert.